


for lovers who hesitate

by lovehour



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Childhood Friends, Choi Beomgyu Is Bad At Feelings, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, Idiots in Love, Kang Taehyun is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:42:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25326346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovehour/pseuds/lovehour
Summary: Beomgyu looks up at the setting sun and it stares back at him mockingly. He wonders if Taehyun is also looking up at the same sun all the way from home, or from wherever he is. It takes a long time for the sun to fully set and by the time the sky is pitch black, he’s decided that it’s time to come home.(in which Beomgyu and Taehyun fall in love and grow apart through the years.)
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 20
Kudos: 65





	for lovers who hesitate

**Author's Note:**

> this story is loosely inspired by the movie “love, rosie” and a bunch of sad songs:  
> \- tokyo by rm  
> \- a waltz for a night by julie delpy (from the movie “before sunset”)  
> \- for the fickle by reese lansangan
> 
> title from “for lovers who hesitate” by jannabi
> 
> (note: this is the edited/rewritten version of “heartsick” under a new title and author username)

**19:26 _(_** _**Present** **)** _

**Paris, France**

**Choi Beomgyu’s Apartment**

It comes in the form of a soft melody echoing in Beomgyu’s bedroom that makes him realize just how much he misses Taehyun. It doesn’t make sense since he hasn't thought of the other in a long time, but it makes him stop from whatever he is doing nonetheless.

Missing Taehyun isn’t unfamiliar to him. The feeling comes and goes, sometimes so powerful that it keeps him off his feet for a few hours, curling up on his side as he tightens his arms around his chest because he can physically feel the loneliness. Most of the time it’s just a small, knowing but bittersweet smile that shouldn’t stay on his face for more than a minute.

_(But it does.)_

He doesn’t recognize the song playing from the radio and yet it sounds so awfully familiar, like a distant memory or a forgotten dream. The soft melodic piano paired with the low humming makes him feel detached from the world, as if he’s crawling and hiding away in the hollowness of his own chest. 

If he closes his eyes and thinks hard enough, he can probably paint a clear picture in his head: bright eyes, a brush of fingertips along his arm, his childhood bedroom, and a burgundy hoodie. 

Beomgyu gives in to the tugging of this comforting memory. 

The faint music sounds warm and gentle, but it rests heavily on his shoulders.

He hasn’t spoken to Taehyun in a little over a year or two. The last conversation they shared with each other wasn’t even a proper one or something worth remembering because all he did was message the other a polite “ _happy birthday_ ” and left it at that. He couldn’t bring himself to see if he received a reply or not but even without checking, Beomgyu already knows what it would be: an obligatory “ _thank you_ ” followed by a smiley face or a heart emoticon because they know each other well enough for him to receive a little more than just an impersonal period or exclamation point after “ _you_ ”, but not close enough to receive more than those two practiced words. 

_(At least, not anymore.)_

He can barely remember what Taehyun’s voice sounds like.

It’s scary to admit that he has replayed in his head countless versions of Taehyun saying his name and he’s still not sure which one is right.

His voice is soft— that, he can still recall —and warm, with his tone gentle and silvery. But he’s not exactly sure if this is drawn from his own memory or if it is simply made up by his imagination to make up for the missing pieces.

_(He terribly misses Taehyun’s voice but he doesn’t do anything about it.)_

As the soft melody of the song ends, the silence brings him back to reality and forces him to continue.

He is in the middle of packing up four years’ worth of belongings into a few cardboard boxes and the single suitcase that he owns— another abrupt and impulsive decision of his, though it’s nothing new. His home here in Paris has been lived in pretty well and he’ll do the same with his next home, wherever that may be. He hasn’t decided yet but he hears that the bustling city of New York offers endless opportunities for people like him.

He wants another fresh start somewhere far away from here so he doesn’t feel suffocated anymore.

He has too much baggage though.

The trash bag placed on the floor is getting filled up far too quickly and with too many items, but that doesn’t stop him. In fact, the excitement that comes along with throwing out most of his possessions keeps him going. 

His ears welcome another familiar tune and he slowly makes his way to his closet.

* * *

**12:04 _(_** _**Past** **)** _

**Seoul, South Korea**

**Choi Beomgyu and Kang Taehyun’s High School**

He notices the wistful stares first, and then the lingering touches. Beomgyu isn’t an idiot. He knows what they mean. 

Taehyun, his best friend who wears his heart on his sleeve and whose bright eyes can never tell a single lie, is far too easy to read. Perhaps it’s because they know each other like the back of their own hands or the younger is simply too obvious with his feelings, but Beomgyu knows. He’s known for quite some time now and he’s pretty sure that Taehyun knows as well that his feelings are not going by unnoticed. 

He’s not exactly repulsed or uncomfortable with the not-so-little infatuation the other has for him, but he doesn’t know what to do. Nothing really changes between them except for a few things that he wouldn’t have even noticed if he wasn’t paying close attention to every single detail and possible meaning behind them.

Taehyun brushes his hand against the small of Beomgyu’s back and he doesn’t stop him, not even when his touch lingers for more than a few platonic seconds. 

Holding hands isn’t unfamiliar with the two but he swears that there’s something different with the way Taehyun gently plays with his hand, holding on to his fingertips as they walk side by side on the way home.

_(The stutter in his heart is confusing, but he ignores it.)_

He can practically be considered an honorary member in the Kang household with how often he comes over ever since they were little kids, which is why he doesn’t understand his nervousness when they’re left alone in the house for the weekend. Things between them shouldn’t be any different just because the younger has feelings for him now. Still, it feels wrong to rest his head on Taehyun’s lap while they watch a movie, not because he doesn’t want to, but because he does and he doesn’t know why.

He easily falls asleep in the middle of the movie that they’ve already seen a billion times. The distorted sounds playing in the background wakes him up several times because he’s a light sleeper, but with Taehyun brushing his hand through the strands of his hair, he falls back to sleep right away. 

The next time he drifts back into consciousness is hours later, when he feels the light press of lips against his forehead and he pretends to be asleep even if the pounding in his heart keeps him wide awake until dawn. 

_(He greets Taehyun with a soft kiss on the cheek the morning after, leaving the both of them flustered and quiet, but they don’t talk about it.)_

Yeonjun corners him in the hallway one day, with arms crossed and a disapproving look on his face. He immediately feels guilty even if he has no idea what he did wrong. It must be something quite serious for Yeonjun, a busy third-year friend of theirs, to come storming outside his classroom just to give the younger one a scolding.

“Why did you accept Jiwoo’s confession?”

The question catches him off guard because he doesn’t even know how Yeonjun found out about the confession letter he received earlier this morning. He hasn’t told anybody about it aside from Taehyun and one of his seatmates. 

“Should I have not accepted then?” 

Yeonjun lets out a scoff and rolls his eyes. “Are you an idiot?” 

“Hyung!” He mirrors the frown on the older’s face.

“I’m being serious, Beomgyu. Why didn’t you turn her down?”

“We have a few classes together and...she’s a sweet girl. I wouldn’t mind getting to know her better. Besides, we’re just gonna hang out this weekend and see where it goes.” He answers.

“What about Taehyun?” 

“What about Taehyun?” He echoes the question. Beomgyu waits for the other to explain what he means by that query, but he’s only met with a frustrated sigh and a head shake. 

It takes a full minute for him to finally understand why Yeonjun is being like this and the realization leaves an unsettling feeling at the pit of his stomach. 

“Taehyun’s not my...boyfriend. There’s nothing going on between us.”

“That’s not what everybody thinks.” Yeonjun points out.

“Well, they’re wrong. We’re just best friends.” He argues, though he doesn’t sound too convincing. 

Beomgyu’s well aware that he isn’t completely faultless because he should’ve drawn some boundaries, especially since he knew about the whispers and gossip from the people around them. Taehyun for sure isn’t going to be the one to pull away first, which leaves the responsibility solely on him.

“Beomgyu, you’re not blind. You know Taehyun likes you.”

“I don’t—“ He does know. Taehyun’s feelings for him aren't a silly crush or a simple admiration anymore. He knows that and it terrifies him.

“Stop playing with his feelings—”

“I said I don’t—” He’s raising his voice now and Yeonjun cuts him off again before he can finish what he is saying.

“You obviously like him too, so I don’t understand why you’re—”

“I don’t like Taehyun, okay? We’re not together! If he likes me, then that’s his problem, not mine! There’s nothing going on between us.”

Yeonjun is staring at him with a slack-jawed expression. 

The sound of his own shaky breathing makes him realize just how quiet the hallway has gotten and how loud his voice was. The students idling outside the classroom have gone silent, feigning ignorance to his sudden outburst, and he immediately feels guilty that he’s running off with his mouth again without stopping to think first. 

He opens his mouth to take back the harsh words that left his lips, but somebody else beats him to it.

“Beomgyu hyung is right. There’s really nothing going on between us.”

He whips around and the sight of glassy eyes makes his stomach drop.

“Stop with that nonsense about the two of us being together. It’s clearly making him uncomfortable.” 

Taehyun’s voice is impassive and cold, far from his usual gentle tone. He must’ve heard everything, or at least enough, to make him sound so unrecognizable and distant. Beomgyu wants to say something— to explain himself and to apologize, mostly —but his throat feels too tight and he can’t make a single sound.

Taehyun gives him a small smile once their eyes meet and an awkward first bump to the side of Beomgyu’s arm, before announcing that he’ll be heading to the library to study. Even if he hears Yeonjun calling his name, he doesn’t stop to look back. 

The two of them are silent once they’re left alone again. Replacing the disappointed look on Yeonjun’s face from a while ago, he’s now staring at the younger with concern.

He knows he messed up big time, but he stays unmoving in his spot. His heart is telling him to go after Taehyun and make sure he’s alright. His mind, on the other hand, is urging him to run far, far away and pretend that this never happened. 

Between his heart and his mind, one of them speaks louder than the other.

It only takes a few seconds of silence for Beomgyu to finally make the decision to turn to the opposite direction and move with rushed strides across the hallway, away from the direction where Taehyun went. 

He can barely hear Yeonjun calling after him, or the sound of people exclaiming as he bumps into them, because there’s only the ringing in his ears and the pounding in his chest. Everything else turns into white noise.

He understands that they both need to have a long overdue talk about the younger’s feelings, his own feelings, and where they stand— but not now. He can’t face Taehyun right now.

_(They don’t talk about this either.)_

It takes two whole weeks for Beomgyu and Taehyun to start acting normal around each other again.

They’re still best friends, of course, but they fall into a cycle of unspoken words and hesitant glances. 

The difference now is that Beomgyu pulls away whenever he feels Taehyun’s hand brushing against the small of his back and they don’t stay close to each other for more than a few seconds long, whether it be in public or just the two of them alone. He’s also learned how to keep his hands tucked away into the pocket of his hoodie because he often catches himself unknowingly reaching for the other. 

They only have sleepovers if there are other people joining them and they definitely don’t press soft kisses on each other’s skin. Not anymore.

* * *

**19:31 _(_** _**Present** **)** _

**Paris, France**

**Choi Beomgyu’s Apartment**

He’s in the middle of clearing out his closet when he comes across an old artwork of his, hidden underneath a pile of clothes that he hasn’t worn or seen in a long time. Beomgyu recognizes the painting right away— an 11x14” canvas of harsh strokes, bleeding colors, and a piece of home that he’s tucked away in the distant corners of his mind. 

He made this, along with a few others, during his first few months here in the new city while trying to meet new people and make easy money. All the other paintings turned out well, except for this one because the technique is far too sloppy for his liking. It’s one of the reasons why he didn’t sell it, even if he knew that he could still get a good deal out of it. 

The other and more important reason is that the painting feels too personal and showing it to the public would be similar to carving his own heart out and revealing to the world all the secrets it keeps.

It’s an honest painting, completely different from his recent works. They don’t come close to the sincerity and emotion in the one that he’s holding right now. The technique is better in his newer ones— there’s no denying that —but sometimes he feels as if they’ve become unrecognizable. Untouchable, almost. Distant. 

A fitting word to describe the entirety of this old painting of his would be “sad”— no need for grandiose terms to explain the meaning behind it, just a raw kind of sadness that leaves the person feeling helpless and vulnerable. 

Beomgyu can tell just how much he had poured himself into this single painting that never got to see the light of day.

He turns the canvas on its side and lets out a bitter laugh at the sight of his own handwriting. 

**“ kth / home ”**

A pitiful and ironic title for a painting that he made as a way to let go of everything he felt about leaving home. His friend was one of the few reminders of home that Beomgyu brought along with him when he flew halfway across the world. He wanted to have a fresh start with a blank canvas.

_(But he could never get rid of the mark that Taehyun has left.)_

His closet, that is now almost completely free of items, feels too empty, reminding him of how bare this place was when he had just moved in a few years ago. 

An empty apartment in a new city was both exciting and frightening at the same time because he was all by himself, and that alone made everything so much more difficult. The world seemed too big back then, threatening to swallow him up whole because Beomgyu was too frail and small. 

Time has passed and things have changed, but the world still feels far too big and he still feels so small.

_(The tightness in his chest feels awfully familiar to homesickness. He ignores this feeling.)_

He picks himself up from the floor and keeps his hands busy in order to clear his head. He’s not yet done packing and there is still a lot of work to do. 

Beomgyu continues to empty his closet, except for one set of clothes and a light sweater. He’ll be gone by tomorrow, or the day after that, so he doesn’t need much.

The canvas is back in his hands and he ponders on what to do with it. He considers selling it for a moment as it isn’t as valuable to him anymore compared to before, but the longer he stares at the painting, the more he hates it. 

On the way out of his bedroom, he places the painting inside the trash bag.

* * *

**22:00 _(_** _**Past** **)** _

**Seoul, South Korea**

**Choi Soobin’s Apartment**

He’s never seen Taehyun like this before— completely carefree with starlight dancing in his eyes. From where Beomgyu is sitting, he looks untouchable. The music playing from the house speakers is deafening and there’s way too many people talking over each other, but he can clearly make out the sound of Taehyun’s laughter because of the way his eyes are disappearing with how much he’s smiling. 

He looks different, in a good way of course. Maybe it’s because they haven’t seen each other for quite some time now since finals week prevented them from visiting each other, or the shot that he took earlier for some liquid courage is messing with his head, but Taehyun looks good like this. He looks happy.

His own chest feels warm and tight at the very same time, similar to the feeling you get before jumping off a cliff into the water. 

Once their eyes meet through the curtain of unnamed faces, he free falls.

_(The drop is terrifying but even more so exciting. He feels alive.)_

Taehyun makes his way to where he's sitting, still smiling brightly but it’s softer now with a hint of something he can’t particularly make out.

“Do you need some water to drink?” Beomgyu asks as he attempts to tame the younger’s bangs. His hair, which is currently an unexpected shade of red, is already all over the place from all the dancing he’s done. 

Taehyun shakes his head in response. 

They’re staring at each other without saying anything for a few seconds longer than what is considered normal, but neither of them shy away.

“Hyung,” he starts, “I have something to tell you.”

Beomgyu hums, signalling the other to continue with what he wants to say. 

“I still—”

His eyebrows are furrowed as he pauses mid sentence, as if contemplating on whether or not to continue with what he’s supposed to say. He looks like he’s about to say something important but Beomgyu doesn’t have a clue on what it might be about.

After a few more seconds of silence, Taehyun speaks. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Of course. What is it?”

Taehyun moves in a little closer and circles his arms around Beomgyu’s neck.

“Hyung, will you take care of me tonight?” 

His voice is clear despite the noise in the background. It’s soft and warm, with his tone gentle and silvery. 

_(There’s a stutter in his heart and he tries his best to ignore it.)_

The first shot that they take together is messy, with linked arms and spilled tequila, and they burst into giggles over the facial expressions they make when the alcohol burns their throat. The first shot is quickly followed by a second one and they end up in the middle of the crowd by the third one, dancing along to a familiar tune and the moving bodies surrounding them. Beomgyu doesn’t know if what they’re doing can even be considered as dancing, but he’s having fun and the sound of Taehyun’s laughter is so, so nice.

There’s another crowd forming by the kitchen and they watch in amusement as Yeonjun and Soobin uncoordinatedly do a body shot on the counter. Once Yeonjun takes the lime wedge in between his mouth, Beomgyu cheers out loud and unabashedly proposes that they do the same.

“We need to beat them and be the superior best friends!” 

“No way, you’re just gonna embarrass yourself.”

A few red-cups-of-watered-down-vodka-heavily-mixed-with-grape-juice later, they’re back to dancing but this time facing each other, with their chests bumping every now and then because of how close they are standing. 

Beomgyu’s just the right amount of drunk to feel nice and a little bit braver. He doesn’t look away even if Taehyun gives him a curious look as to why he’s staring intently.

He looks so beautiful like this— eyes bright with a small smile decorating his lips. 

“Taehyunnie...”

He wants to kiss Taehyun, but he’s terrified of what comes after. 

“Yeah?”

If Beomgyu asks, he knows that Taehyun would let him and that alone scares him a lot more than he would like to admit.

“Are you still good? Do you want some water?” He asks instead.

“I’m okay, hyung. I’m not that drunk.”

They’re still staring at each other, exchanging a thousand unspoken words in the stillness that surrounds them despite all the commotion. Everything else turns into white noise and insignificant details because he only sees Taehyun: his best friend, so beautiful and kind, the calm and steady to his unpredictable and fickle mind. 

He only sees Taehyun, the one who’s looking at him right now as if he wants to kiss Beomgyu.

The younger goes on top of his toes, only then do they stop staring at each other and it gives him time to breathe. The soft press of lips against his forehead is so faint, he can barely feel the impact, but it still makes his chest feel warm and his eyes flutter close.

“Is it okay if I… Can I?” Taehyun asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

Beomgyu’s heart is pounding at the meaning behind the question. With trembling fingers, he clutches the front of Taehyun’s shirt and pulls him closer. 

There’s his answer.

One kiss turns into two, but this time on his lips. Two kisses turn into three and it doesn’t end as quickly as the first two.

“Hyung,” he pulls away for a brief second to catch his breath, “you said you’d take care of me tonight.”

He understands what Taehyun is trying to tell him. 

“I want to but…you—” Beomgyu’s scared that he’s only saying this because he’s drunk or he’s caught up in the heat of the moment. 

“A-Am I reading the signs wrong?” Taehyun falters, slowly pulling away as his eyes start to fill with uncertainty and panic. 

“No, no, you’re not! I want this. I want you. I do b-but...do you even know what you’re saying? I...you’re drunk—”

Beomgyu doesn’t get to finish what he’s supposed to say because Taehyun surges forward and captures his lips once more. 

“I’m not. I know what I’m doing.”

His head turns blank and his knees go weak with the overwhelming way he is being kissed, fiery and urgently. He’s trying to get a hold of his senses but he can’t think of anything else except for the taste of Taehyun’s lips and the warmth of the hands cupping his jaw.

As if knowing exactly what’s going on inside his head, Taehyun pulls away to meet his gaze. “Stop thinking, yeah?”

He nods and at last, he lets himself feel.

They leave the party hand in hand, sneaking in a few desperate kisses and wandering touches in the backseat of a taxi until they reach Beomgyu’s dorm. 

_(When the night turns quiet and he’s the only one awake, he savors the warmth of Taehyun’s body against his and he wishes for this moment to last.)_

The room is still dark when he suddenly wakes up because of the bed hastily shifting and the string of mumbling curses that follow it. He stays still when he hears Taehyun hurriedly shoving himself into his jeans.

Even if his mind is protesting and telling him to not do it, he slightly opens his eyes, only to catch the sight of a bare chest marked with wine-colored bruises. It only lasts for a quick second before his eyes fall shut once again and this time, he doesn’t dare to open them until he hears the soft click of the door and the silence in his room.

There’s a heavy weight on his chest but he feels like laughing. 

_(It shouldn’t hurt this much, but it does, so he pretends that he’s not in love with Taehyun.)_

They don’t see each other for the next two weeks.

Despite the many invitations he sent to Taehyun, asking for the two of them to talk in person, Beomgyu is only met with messages that are left unread and voicemails that probably went unheard. He knows something is wrong but he doesn’t push, even if the silence from Taehyun’s end is driving him insane. 

Yeonjun, who’s planning on visiting Soobin in his university again for the nth time this week, manages to convince Beomgyu to tag along. He didn’t want to go because there’s a chance that Taehyun will be with Soobin, but he knows that their friends will soon start to worry and grow suspicious of the two if they keep whatever this is going.

“I’m with YJ and Soobin hyung right now. We’re at the gazebo outside the NatSci building— you know the one where we usually sit? We’re having lunch and...um...if you’re not too busy, come eat with us?” 

Another voicemail.

He tries to hide his disappointment when Taehyun doesn’t show up because he’s busy with a group project for one of his classes— at least that’s what Soobin says because Taehyun doesn’t call or message back to tell him that. 

The next time around, he’s almost certain that the redhead is avoiding him; that, or he must really be swamped with work just as he says he is. Still, he waits by the gazebo until he has to go back to his university for the rest of his afternoon classes. 

It’s not until the four of them gather together at Yeonjun’s place that they finally see or talk to each other again after weeks of silence. He doesn’t understand what’s happening until Soobin brings up how much of a pain it was to clean up after the party and—

“I can’t remember anything from that night.” Taehyun says.

Everyone’s laughing but Beomgyu. Even if he wants to chime in just for the sake of it, he can’t. He should’ve expected it, if he’s being honest to himself, but it still leaves a heart-rending feeling that makes his fingers tremble and eyelashes damp. 

He looks up to meet Taehyun’s eyes and understands. With a small nod, he focuses on the untouched food on his plate and ignores the tightness in his chest.

He knows that Taehyun is pretending and Taehyun knows that he knows.

_(They don’t talk about it.)_

* * *

**20:40 _(_** _**Present** **)** _

**Paris, France**

**Choi Beomgyu’s Apartment**

He ends up skipping dinner and opting to drink coffee instead because it’s not like he can eat anything right now, not with this unsettling feeling at the pit of his stomach that is threatening to overwhelm his entire body. Beomgyu knows why he’s feeling this way though. It’s all too familiar to him.

_(It leaves him feeling unsteady.)_

Once upon a long time ago, he used to video call with Taehyun once or twice a month, or whenever they had time to spare. They couldn’t call that often due to their packed schedules and the time difference, but it was something they both looked forward to every now and then. Even if they were busy, they still found time to call each other for just a few minutes. Those calls were filled with a rushed exchange of “ _I miss you’s_ ”, a one minute summary of everything they did since the last time they talked, and a bunch of smiles that made their cheeks hurt. 

It didn’t happen too often but when they were both missing each other too much, they would just leave the video call going as they go on about their day. Beomgyu would be silently working on some plates until past dinner time, while Taehyun prepares breakfast and starts on his readings. Those kinds of calls usually last for hours with neither of them speaking to each other, but he would always feel better afterwards. The younger’s presence in itself was a reassuring comfort that helped him get through a long, tiring day.

He doesn’t know when things started changing. The shift happened so suddenly, but at the same time it didn’t, as if it was there all along, waiting for the right moment to surface. 

Usually, he’d be able to tell just how much Taehyun was looking forward to their call by the glint in his eyes and the way he trips over his own words while trying to fit as many stories as he can in a few minutes. Some calls, however, were filled with stiff pauses and one-word responses to rehearsed questions. He could tell that the other didn’t want to be there and that the only reason why he showed up in the first place was because he didn’t want to be the one to break their routine. 

It bothered Beomgyu, but he would only be considered a hypocrite if he pretended that he didn’t feel the same way sometimes.

He wonders if distance really does make the heart grow fonder because in his case, it just made things so much more difficult for the both of them. He knows he could’ve done something to salvage their waning friendship but he didn’t do anything to try and stop them from drifting apart, and neither did Taehyun.

_(The coffee suddenly tastes too bitter.)_

Beomgyu is in the middle of washing his emptied mug when a memory resurfaces, catching him off guard. The details are a bit hazy, but it’s enough to take him back to three years ago.

The two of them had been very busy and their first video call after three months of silence was a bit uneasy, to say the least. A minute to talk about what they have been doing for the past month used to be too short for either of the two, but this time around they only needed thirty seconds or less. There were too many pauses in between exchanged words and the comfortable silence that they usually had was replaced by an air of tension and awkwardness. 

It didn’t help at all that Taehyun was sitting in front of his screen without a shirt on, the darkness in his room doing nothing to hide the necklace of blooming bruises around his collarbones. Beomgyu didn’t say anything about it, but it’s difficult to pretend like it wasn’t bothering him when they’re on display. It’s as if Taehyun wanted him to see them. 

The sight of the purple bruises left his own chest feeling heavy, and it stayed for hours even after the call ended.

The next time they called, it was Beomgyu who had several marks staining the skin along his neck. He tried his best to hide them and even if the younger said nothing about it, he knew that Taehyun saw. 

His own set of purple bruises left his chest feeling heavy. 

_(He knows now that what he had felt back then was jealousy and guilt respectively.)_

They didn't call for a while because Taehyun had his finals, and he didn’t mind because he was busy with an internship as well. Both of them were too preoccupied to notice the absence of each other, so when they eventually stopped calling each other, it didn’t come off as a surprise to either of them. 

In contrast to how difficult it was to fit Taehyun into his new life here in Paris, it was far too easy to let his best friend slip out of his touch until they became nothing more but familiar strangers.

The almost-bare living room highlights the absence of Taehyun in his life.

It’s strange to think that he misses the trashy rug that he bought from a thrift shop, but its bright red faux fur reminds him of a particular cherry shade of hair dye and now he regrets giving it away to his neighbor way too soon. He’s so used to seeing the summery yellow curtains that separate his bedroom from the rest of his tiny apartment, as well as the cursed houseplants that wouldn’t stay alive for more than a few weeks and the cat-print bean bag chair that used to sit by the balcony— they’re all gone now. 

Unknowingly, he built this place around the little mementos that remind him of home— the one back in Seoul, or wherever he is —and now that Beomgyu can clearly see what’s missing, it leaves him feeling lost and unsteady.

* * *

**06:30 _(_** _**Past** **)** _

**Paris, France**

**Choi Beomgyu’s Apartment**

It honestly doesn’t feel real that Beomgyu is in Paris right now. He knows this isn’t a dream because he’s been here for about two days now, but it definitely still feels so surreal. Just a few days after receiving the acceptance letter from the art school he applied to, he already made plans to move right away without bothering to finish the semester back in his university anymore. He needed to get away, and the sooner the better.

Dropping everything and leaving the place he’s known for all his life is probably the most impulsive thing he has ever done. He feels alive.

Up until now, he’s still buzzing with excitement and riding the high of his spontaneity even if his body hasn’t fully adjusted yet to the time difference or the new environment. This spur-of-the-moment decision of moving halfway across the globe is somewhere along the lines of daring and foolish, but he doesn’t regret anything.

_(Not yet, at least.)_

Beomgyu’s in the middle of unpacking when he receives a call from Taehyun and he instinctively picks up. There’s a brief pause before a voice breaks through the silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

The guilt that he’s been suppressing quickly flashes through his chest and there’s no room to think. Before he can say anything, the other beats him to it and continues speaking. 

“I didn’t even know that you left! I went looking for you because I had something to tell you...but I couldn't catch you anywhere. I waited and waited and...I had to find out through Soobin hyung that y-you were already in Paris and that you’re staying there for— I don’t know —the rest of the year? The next few years? I don’t even know if you’re staying there for good or if you’re coming back.” 

Taehyun’s raising his voice now.

“Do you know how frustrating this is? I know we don’t talk as often as before but you didn’t even say anything! How come he knew and I didn’t? You don’t...you never...” 

He doesn’t need to finish what he’s supposed to say because Beomgyu already knows. He can hear the unspoken words loud and clear in his head.

_You never tell me anything anymore._

“I’m sorry.” Beomgyu whispers.

“Are you, really?”

The phone call is silent, save for the harsh breathing on the other side of the line, and it stays for a while with neither of them speaking or hanging up. He doesn’t know what to reply to the accusation of his insincere apology, though he understands why the younger feels this way. He too would be angry if the roles are reversed. He just didn’t expect it to hurt this much.

After a few more moments, he decides to be the one to break the silence. 

“It was a last minute decision to move here so quickly.”

“You could have called.” Taehyun says, hurt replacing the anger that was in his voice just a few moments ago.

For what it’s worth, he really is sorry. 

Studying abroad has always been part of the plan, but running away from home wasn’t. 

If things were different, then maybe there wouldn’t be so much space between them, or secrets that the Beomgyu and Taehyun from before would never dare to keep from each other. They probably would’ve still known each other like the back of their own hands, made arrangements to go to the same university and get a place together, or maybe, just maybe, they could’ve had a chance to be together. He doesn’t want to think about one of the biggest “ _what if’s_ ” in his life because they’ve already missed their chance, not once, but twice. 

If things were different, even just by a little bit, then maybe he wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye at least.

There should have been a third chance— a last chance for the two of them —but it vanished the moment Beomgyu decided to leave without any warning.

The silence is starting to become suffocating and it forces him to speak first.

“What were you supposed to tell me?” 

There’s a confused sound coming from the other side of the line.

“A while ago, you said you were looking for me because you needed to tell me something?” He elaborates, but he’s only met with more silence. “You can tell me now. I’ll listen.”

“I don’t…” Taehyun lets out a shaky breath and chuckles, “I can’t. Not like this.”

“What do you mean?” 

“I-I don’t think it matters, anyway. But if…” he takes a pause to think, “the next time we see each other in person, I’ll tell you then.”

He doesn’t have any idea on what it might be; he’ll just have to come back home in order to find out.

“Promise you’ll come see me?” Taehyun says with a small voice, laced with a bit of hope. Beomgyu nods even if they can’t see each other and says, “I’ll be home for Christmas.”

_(But the universe isn’t always so kind.)_

A few days before his flight back to Seoul, he finds out that Taehyun is spending the holidays in Hawaii with his family. 

Beomgyu comes home for Christmas anyway. He spends time with his family and meets up with a few of his friends, but he flies back to Paris with a regretful heart, knowing that Taehyun doesn’t fly back home until the day after.

_(It must be the universe’s way of punishing the both of them for all the things they should’ve done but didn’t.)_

He’s in the middle of painting when he receives an invite to a video call with Taehyun. There’s a brief moment of hesitation before he decides to pick up.

“Next Christmas, then?” Taehyun says with a small smile on his face, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

_(He doesn’t come home next Christmas.)_

* * *

**21:40 (** **_Present_ ** **)**

**Paris, France**

**Choi Beomgyu’s Apartment**

Beomgyu looks up at the setting sun and it stares back at him mockingly. He wonders if Taehyun is also looking up at the same sun all the way from home, or from wherever he is. It takes a long time for the sun to fully set and by the time the sky is pitch black, he’s decided that it’s time to come home.

* * *

**00:04 _(_** _**Present** **)** _

**Paris, France**

**Choi Beomgyu’s Apartment**

He enters his bedroom with a mission in mind. 

Beomgyu opens up the trash bag resting on the floor and retrieves his painting. 

He doesn’t understand why he’s feeling breathless but as he holds the canvas, his fingers tremble ever so slightly. He places it on top of his side table, hoping that the sight of the familiar image would somehow comfort him as he continues to go through the remaining items in his room.

_(It does.)_

There’s a small smile forming on his lips when he comes across a familiar dusty shoebox hidden underneath his bed.

Beomgyu briefly met up with Yeonjun about two years ago, more or less, when the older made a quick detour to Paris while he was visiting London. He almost rejected the invitation to meet up for a quick coffee and chat, but since Yeonjun came all the way just to see him for a bit, he couldn’t not show up. 

His friend, despite sporting freshly dyed electric blue hair and several new piercings, did not change much from the last time they saw each other. Beomgyu wanted to ask Yeonjun about what he thinks of him after living in a different city for quite some time, if he looks or feels any different from the Beomgyu that he last saw back in Seoul, but he was too afraid of the possible answers to even bother asking the question out loud.

They were waiting for their order to be served at a nearby coffee shop when Yeonjun placed a sealed box on his lap. “To remind you of home _,_ ” he had said to Beomgyu with a knowing glint in his eyes. 

They fell into an easy conversation about anything and everything, but never about _him_. 

Before they parted ways, Yeonjun insisted that he should promise to open the package and to this he replied with, “I’ll open it once I’m ready _._ ”

_(It took him four whole days to gather enough courage to open the shoe box.)_

With a deep breath, he opens the box again after a long time. 

The first thing he sees are the handwritten letters that are slightly discolored and folded around the edges, loosely bound together by a flimsy string of yarn. He goes through the letters one by one, softly laughing to himself as he reads the words that are meant for the Beomgyu from two years ago. 

Yeonjun’s letter is three pages long filled with little stories and anecdotes (as expected of him), while Soobin’s letter is short but thoughtful (also expected of him). His older brother wrote one as well, even if he isn’t the type to be affectionate through words, and he appreciates it, really. 

Taehyun didn’t write him a letter, but that’s alright. Beomgyu didn’t expect to receive one anyways.

Aside from the letters, there’s also an unused pocket sized notebook from his favorite stationary shop near his old middle school, a bus ticket from the route that led to a nearby beach the four of them frequented, a piece of lined paper ripped from a school notebook which contains a silly drawing from his little cousin, and a woven bracelet that looks far too big for hi—

Beomgyu sees a spider crawling and he lets out a yelp, frantically pushing the shoebox off his lap and standing up to dust off invisible spiderwebs. He should’ve expected to see some spiders crawling and hiding away inside since it’s been kept under his bed for quite some time now. 

It’s contents are sprawled out all over the floor, revealing some other items he’d already forgotten. 

While picking up the mess he made, Beomgyu realizes that he never really went through all the items in the box. To be fair, he was really busy around the time he received this package.

_(He knows he’s just making up excuses.)_

There’s a piece of paper, a pale shade of yellow, folded far too many times that he wouldn’t have seen it if he wasn’t paying close attention right now. He opens it and immediately recognizes the familiar handwriting. 

**0304-553-0934**

**— taehyun**

The series of numbers are foreign to him, far too different from the one he had memorized as a teenager. He wasn’t aware that Taehyun changed his number, not that it matters or changes things because even if he did know, he wouldn't have contacted him anyways. 

Beomgyu wonders if this is the universe’s way of telling him that he’s been running away for far too long already, or if it’s the third chance— the last chance —that should’ve been before he decided to leave without any warning.

He’s contemplating on whether or not he should message, or call, or simply just let things be and do nothing about the piece of paper in his hands. If he messages, he’ll probably go mad waiting to see if the other has replied or not, and he doesn’t know if he can handle that. If he decides to call, Taehyun might not even pick up. Or if he does pick up, what then? He doesn’t know what to say or talk about, and it also feels wrong to just reach out all of a sudden after a long time of silence from both ends.

It’s around one o’clock in the morning right now which means that it’s probably early morning back in South Korea. Taehyun has always been an early riser, if he’s still the same Taehyun that Beomgyu knows. If he calls right now, there’s a big possibility that he might be awake to answer the call.

Beomgyu is terrified but if he does nothing, then it means he hasn’t changed at all from the cowardly boy that he was four years ago. 

_(It only takes a few seconds of silence for him to finally make a decision.)_

* * *

**01:42 _(_** _**Present** **)** _

**Paris, France**

**Choi Beomgyu’s Apartment**

The voice on the other side of the call sounds bright and lively— it’s unfamiliar, but welcoming.

_“Hello?”_

_“...Hello.”_

_“May I ask who’s on the line?”_

_“I’m...I think I’ve got the wrong number?_

_I’m looking for Taehyun? Kang Taehyun?”_

_“Oh! No, no, you’ve got the right number._

_Taehyunnie’s still asleep, though._

_Should I go and wake him up?”_

_“Oh…ah, never mind. It’s okay._

_Please don’t wake him up anymore.”_

_“Alright, then. May I at least get your name?”_

_“...Beomgyu. Choi Beomgyu.”_

_“I’ll let him know that you called_

_so he can get back to you when he wakes up.”_

_“That won’t be necessary. It’s nothing urgent._

_I’ll just call again later. Thank you...um—”_

_“—Kai.”_

_“Ah, yes. Thank you, Kai.”_

He waits for the other to hang up first.

* * *

**08:05 _(_** _**Future** **)** _

**Unknown Location**

_Unknown Number: I heard that you called._

_Unknown Number: This is Taehyun._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for checking this out and i hope that you enjoyed reading the fic! it would really mean a lot to me if you could give some kudos and feedback in the comments <3
> 
> twitter: @midnightyun


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